Anything But Beige

Everywhere we look people are telling us how to have “better sex.”  Tips and techniques for how to bring your partner to orgasm.  The various (and gravity defying) positions you should try.   The body parts you should touch to most effectively turn your partner on.  Articles that attempt to turn sex into a science and make lovers technicians.

I hate techniques.  I hate methods.  I hate anything that treats having sex like programming a computer.  People are not machines. The same “techniques” don’t work on every person.  The same technique doesn’t even work on the same person every time.  We are complex, complicated, thinking, feeling, passionate creatures.  Sex between two (or more) of us should be as unique, complex, and passionate as the people creating it.

So with that in mind, here is a different kind of sexual “Do’s and Don’ts” list:

1. Don’t equate sex with intercourse.  

Sex is more than just intercourse.  Sex is the entire experience of being sexually connected to someone.  Sex starts the minute you feel that spark, the minute you start to touch, the minute you feel a sexual connection with another person.  Intercourse can be a wonderful part of sex, but so can other things.  Being open to sharing a sexual connection with someone that doesn’t rely on intercourse as the main attraction allows you to experience so many other kinds of sexual stimulation and satisfaction.  Often taking intercourse out of the equation will actually turn a sexual encounter more erotic and fun for both partners.  Appreciate the entire sexual process.  Even if you don’t have intercourse with someone, you can still have an amazing and satisfying sexual experience.

2. Don’t equate foreplay with oral sex.

I don’t really like the word foreplay because it assumes that everything before intercourse isn’t really a part of sex.  It’s as if foreplay is just the stuff that comes before the thing that really matters.  But, sex is so much more than intercourse.  In my mind, foreplay is simply part of sex.  There isn’t this arbitrary division between foreplay and intercourse, it’s all part of the same sexual experience.

But unfortunately, many see foreplay as a primer for intercourse.  And even more unfortunately, many believe that oral sex is sufficient to serve this purpose.  Let me just say that if you have this mindset, sex is going to get boring and dissatisfying real quick.

3. Don’t view sex simply as a means to get off.

If you want to get off, go home and masturbate.  You really don’t need another person to do it for you.  When you have sex with someone, you have an actual human being with you.  Take advantage of that.  Enjoy the things that only another human being can do with and for you.  Play, explore, touch, kiss, bite, whatever it might be.  Often simply being close to another body can be incredibly powerful.  Enjoy the experience of spending the night/afternoon/morning with another human.  And if that doesn’t sound like something you want to do, save everyone some time and energy: go home, take care of yourself, and pass out.

4. Do care what your partner likes.

Have you ever been with someone who seemed to have a set routine in bed?  Who was going to do whatever he or she wanted no matter how you responded to it?  They didn’t pay attention to, and didn’t seem to care, whether you liked what they were doing; they just assumed that they knew what they were doing, and because it had worked in the past or they had read it in some magazine, it must be amazing.  Being with someone like that is not particularly enjoyable or satisfying.

So don’t be like that.  Pay attention to how your partner is reacting to your behavior.  It’s really not difficult to tell if someone is into what you’re doing, if you just take a second to give a shit.  And seriously, if you do give a shit and tailor your behavior to bring more pleasure to your partner, the sex will be more engaging and satisfying for everyone involved.

5. Don’t fixate on giving your partner an orgasm. 

In case you haven’t noticed, all of these have a common theme.  They’re about treating sex as a process, as an experience, not as a means to an end.  This one’s no different.  Don’t go into sex with a mission to make your partner orgasm.  Just allow the experience to unfold.  Ironically, it’s usually much easier to bring someone to orgasm when you’re not trying to, and much harder when you are.  People have an amazing ability to tell when you’re only doing something to achieve a purpose, especially in bed.  First of all, it puts pressure on them, which is pretty much the antidote to having an orgasm.  Second, whatever you’re doing is not going to feel as good.  They will be able to tell that you’re not doing it because you really want to, which, for most people, dramatically decreases any pleasure they would feel.

Just focus on being present and connected with your partner, enjoying the experience, and if an orgasm is a byproduct of that, great! If not, you still had an amazing sexual experience, which we all know doesn’t happen everyday.  But, it can happen a lot more if you start approaching sex with these 5 Do’s and Don’ts in mind.  Which is the whole reason I wrote this.

Artwork ©iStockphoto.com/juhy13